probably the most Emo post in the blog.

you know in certain religion, or in fact, most religions, states that when you commit suicide, your soul will keep on repeating that damn process, and the feelings (i assume everyone commit suicide when they are sad) is also, repeatedly flashing through your souls over and over again.

Some said, when you die, nothing will happen, like your brain will shut down. and thats it. I always wondered "what happens to the brain waves?" because brain waves is energy and energy cannot be created nor formed. only transform.

Probably depends on how you die. like if got hit by a SBS bus, then the brain waves is transformed into sound energy, then if you kill yourself by swallowing a bottle of pills, the brain waves is transformed into, erm... energy that is used to fight the invading pills?


And i heard from many people that the police will hand cuff your hands, and your body will be wipped, i dunno if its true, but sound scary enough. urban legends.

And i was introduced to the idea of life wondered what is life, like if im asked "what do you think is life?" and i would say "Heartbeat!, functional brain!"

if you think deeper... life isnt just mere heatbeat and a functional brain. conscious, maybe, i dunno

aiya, i dunno how to say la.

Maybe there is a soul? i dunno? nobody knows

my point is, if one day, someone who can proved, literally proved, from all sorts of experiments, datas collected, scientifically proven, worldly acknowledged fact, that when you die, nothing will happen.

that means, your body will just shut down, and heart beat would just stop. nothing will happen. And everything will come to a grand finale.

If so. I would really want to give it a try.

i realised i made it sound like im playing some RPG on PSP. like if you fail, all you need to do is to go back to the saved point. and you can just re-do all over again. doesnt matter how many times you fail, since the game is saved. you will definitely win in the end

except this isn't a game.

so i rephrase,

I would want to commit suicide if it is proven, written down, worldly acknowledged, that if you commit suicide, nothing will happen, no souls, no nothing.

yep, thats it.

but the funny thing is that, i dun dare to commit suicide, because i dun wan my souls to go through the same stuff over and over again, its painful enough to experience it once, imagine going through it a million times more.

that would be horrible.

you see, i made it sound like its scientifically proven that there exist souls, and the whole suicide stuff will make you suffer it over and over and over and over again.

except its not.

so, basically, i have only one chance, maybe if i really indeed kill myself, i would feel nothing (as in no souls, no nothing) then good for me lor. if the second theory is true, then too bad.

i wouldnt wanna take that kind of chance!

If by now you still haven phantom my feelings, its actually upsetting.

I skipped this morning classes and went to police station to meet my lawyers to get a piece of paper, which i threw it away.

I contemplated a long time to whether go to school or not. practicals. and work.

so i dun wanna go, all i have to do is to go to AMK polyclinic to get a piece of MC. I have absolutely no mood to do anything, no difference from a zombie.

but i think its unhealthy to stay at home and emo all day long and cry my heart out so i went to school. and practicals, got scolded by ming kai for rushing work to go off early, i dun blame him because he doesnt know anything at all.

I told zinc, who is in suzhou. And she called me immediately. Talked for almost 1.5 hours! Long distance call somemore! Im very touched indeed. thank you zinc!!!

Went to work, the shop is in a absolute mess and i have no mood to work, so im super sad, and to complete with it, a flu and a 38 degrees fever came.

wonderful.

quoting Sylar, from heroes "Life has its poetry, isnt it?"


yes indeed.

its night time and i predict i will get insomnia, again. and wake up with another pair of puffy eyes ala this morning.

good night all. :)

p/s, some people, when they are sad, they will choose to cut themselves, i dont do that, because no matter how many times you cut yourself, the fucking problem is still there.

But crying is different, at least theres no after-effect. compared to cutting (when you bath, the pain lingers.) even though crying after a gazillion times, the problem is still there. but at least, i didnt cut myself.












Clarie said "Its okay, theres a guy in Heidi that can make you forget things"